To be “Sued”

11 12 2008

Being “Sued” isn’t a pleasant thing.

In fact, you most likely haven’t been “Sued” until you’ve ventured into the mysterious and possibly dangerous world of self-published books/short stories. In this world, there are no editors or agents or publishing companies – just the author and the reader.

Such stories are found on the Internet, on sites such as fictionpress or fanfiction (where people write stories for already established book settings and characters). And these sites, while having many unacknowledged good stories, also have the dreaded Mary Sue (or Gary Stu, if the character is male) character.

Who is Mary Sue?

Well, Mary Sue is the perfect character. Either for the author, the reader, or both. She can do no wrong. She sings, writes, draws, fights, and cries beautifully. She may have been horribly traumatized, but she came through without a scratch (mentally or physically). She may have even been born of the very evil that threatens the world, but no worries, she’s no issues of killing said evil (even if its her father). Or maybe she’s the author, who strives to live an adventurous and romantically perfect life.

This is the Mary Sue. Trust me, when you meet her, you’ll know – yes, indeed, you’ll know you’ve been “Sued”.

Below I’ve included excerpts from an ironically humorous poem depicting Mary Sue. These pieces belong to the ever amazing Irony-Chan, who wishes to remain mysterious. (You can, of course, Google her LiveJournal if you want).

A Mary Sue Alphabet:

A‘s for Amanda
Our hero’s twin sister
Got lost as a baby
And gosh, how he missed her
He always suspected
He had a half lacking
He set off to find her
By magical tracking
So now they’re together
And smiling a lot
Too bad that the story’s
Got no trace of plot

B is for Bridget
Who’s named for the author
She could have been subtle
But just didn’t bother
Yet somehow I doubt
That the writer’s a d-cup
Or sings like an angel
With nary a hiccup
Or doesn’t need glasses
Or looks like a hottie
Or ever will earn
Her black belt in karate

-:-

G is for Georgia
Likes watching TV
Replaying the movie
Upon DVD
‘Til one day by magic
The screen opened wide
Before Georgia knew it
It sucked her inside!
Now she’ll save the hero
By hook or by crook
She knows all the future
‘Cause she’s read the book

-:-

L for Lorraina
The heir to three thrones
She dresses in ballgowns
And wears precious stones
But deep in her heart
She’s so royally lonely
She longs for a prince
To love her and her only
She wants to be treated
Like all other girls
Perhaps if she’d dump
The tiara and pearls

M is for Madysonne
Fresh from the states!
Like totally awesome
This chica, she rates!
She brought with her all of
Her favourite CD’s
And might let you listen
If you just say please
She’s spreading the music
As far as she can
And somehow I’m guessing
The author’s a fan

-:-

O for Ophelia
The evil guy’s daughter
Her life is so awful
Her tears flow like water
Her husband’s been chosen
By father and mother
But her heart already
Belongs to another
Oh woe! And oh angst!
Yeah, it’s piled on thick
And most of the readers
Are gonna be sick

P is for Paris
Just swimming in prose!
Her lips weren’t pink only
They bloomed like a rose!
Like wheat in the sunshine
The gold of her hair
Her eyes, how they sparkled
As clear as the air!
Her skin was as white
As the robe of a saint
And it’s that lack of iron
Keeps making her faint

-:-

W stands for
One Wendover Sable
She started off Sue-some
Right out of the cradle
The poor foundling baby
Was given a home
By snobby, rich wizards
Brought her up like their own
And should any point out
That this ain’t realistic
Just watch as the author
Goes fully ballistic

So in case you’ve been “Sued,” you know what to expect. Be wise and be careful, for being “Sued” is pleasant. 

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