Old School Soda

26 08 2009

Root Beer(Something Random)

 Jones Soda ™

(SFX: PEOPLE TALKING ALL AT ONCE.)

ANNOUNCER: It’s hard being a genius, isn’t it? Your mind never just shuts up. It’s always this and that and the first 32 numbers of Pi. And you’d do just about anything to have a moment of silence, wouldn’t you? You’d even watch a kid show in some futile hope? Hope that the simplisty will overwhelm your mind, and shut-it-up! Only you start analyzing the bright colors and rapid movement and correlate it with childhood ADD. You just CAN’T find silence anywhere!

Well, genius, drink a Jones soda ™  and listen to the world shut up.

(SFX: SODA CAN OPENS. COMPLETE SILENCE.)

 

ANNOUNCER: The power of being delicious.





LOST to be Solved?

23 01 2009

The 5th season of LOST premiered last night (January 21st) on ABC. And while it competed with Lie to Me (FOX) and Criminal Minds (CBS), LOST still averaged 16 million viewers.

And what a premire it was! LOST is well-known for its twists, flash backs and flash forwards, and a whole cast of characters (on and off the island) that haunt the plot (even if they’re dead). And finally, finally!, the pieces are falling together – or so, we think they are.

Many times a viewer will think they’ve discovered a piece to the puzzle that is LOST, only to realize they hadn’t and were (in fact) rather wrong. But, this season…this season feels special. (Or maybe it’s because it was said during the recap that this season the pieces would come together…)

As it is, we ended last season with the Oceanic 6 (Jack, Kate, Sayid, Hurley, Sun, and baby Aaron) dealing with life off the island, the dead body of John Locke, and the island disappearing in a flash of white light.  And we began this season with the realization that Oceanic 6 should’ve never left the island, a good amount of manipulation of power and even time, more questions to who’s good and who’s bad, and, of course, the fact they (Oceanic 6) have to go back to the island.

A thoroughly compacted 2hr premiere, LOST is keeping to its standard. Full of twists and turns, the premiere has probably generated more theories than answers – but who wants all the answers right at the start? That ruins all the fun!

This season looks to be as exciting and suspenseful as the last 4 and with time in a flux, who knows what’s going to happen!





Movie: Nine

5 01 2009

Set to release 9-9-09, producer Tim Burton (Nightmare Before Christmas, Sweeney Todd) and Timur Bekmambetov  (Wanted, Nightwatch) and director Shane Acker have created (what appears to be) a visually animated masterpiece – 9.

Based on a award-winning 2005 short film (by Shane Acker), 9 is set post-apocalyptic world overrun by machines.

— plot synposis from stealthfiction.com : “9 is a post-apocalyptic nightmare in which all of humanity is threatened. 9 is based on Acker’s Academy Award-nominated 2005 film festival short.

“When 9 first comes to life, he finds himself in a post-apocalyptic world. The human race is dead and gone, and it is only by chance that he discovers a small community of others like him taking refuge from fearsome machines that roam the earth intent on their extinction. Despite being the neophyte of the group, 9 convinces the others that hiding will do them no good. They must take the offensive if they are to survive, and they must discover why the machines want to destroy them in the first place. As they’ll soon come to learn, the very future of civilization may depend on them.”

The group includes 1 (Christopher Plummer), a domineering war veteran; 2 (Martin Landau), an aged inventor; 5 (John C. Reilly), a stalwart mechanic; 6 (Crispin Glover), a visionary and artist; and 7 (Jennifer Connelly), a brave warrior. I like Acker’s unique art style which could be described as a darker/post apocalyptic version of what Tim Burton use to do, with a touch of LittleBigPlanet.”

9 is full of ingenious creativity. And if the trailer doesn’t show this, then watch Shaun Acker’s short film-





Parent for the Day

30 12 2008

We’ve all heard of High School parenting classes (maybe in not such crass terms but the idea is still there). We’ve all heard the horrors of lugging around a flour sack or even a mechanical doll that screams and cries like a real one. And we’ve all had a good laugh over the trauma. 

But – these classes – do they really make a difference? Does hauling around a mechanical doll that screams and cries randomly and only needs a minute or two of rocking to shut it up really show the trials of parenthood? Hormonal teenagers see the project as a six to nine week nuisance, yes? And, come on, do babies really scare away people? (Mechanical ones, I mean.)

Babies grow up, and rather quickly I might add. For a year, they’re small and uncertain and always crying. Then they’re two, and walking, talking, and climbing. They don’t stop yelling, however. So, how is a mechanical baby going to show the trials of parenthood?

It doesn’t. It’s a teaser, yes. It shows what the beginning will be like, and it begs for patience and tolerance. But what about everything else? The hardest part of parenthood – the childhood.

If people really want to show teenagers and possibly college students (the current generation apparently has a delayed maturity) what parenthood is like then they need to create ‘Parent for a Day.’ And I mean, parent for a day. Not a few hours here or there. I mean, the whole day. 

And the age can vary, from 2 to 7. But from morning to night, the “parent” takes care of the child. And I don’t mean like a babysitter, but like a parent. All the way from entertaining the kid to running errands to doing chores. The typical (non-working) day of a mother or father.

Now that’s a typical day in the life of a parent. Not a mechanical doll that cries and yells randomly. But a bright-eyed, very much alive child who can speak, demand, yell, cry, and run (all at once even).  And doing errands and chores with a bored kid is no easy feat. And entertaining a kid will show you just how old you’re getting.

I imagine that will (or could) make all the difference. Much more than a sack of flour or mechanical baby can ever do at least.





Of Nighttime Lawn Mowing and Murders

12 12 2008

This account is of a mysterious affair involving my curious  neighbors who smile too much and find life mottoes in Donnie Darko. (Now the real question is, is this story true? Is my life really this peculiar? )

1:56 am – There’s a dog howling somewhere, and its loud.  I shove my head under my pillow, hating dogs. But the howl is still there, loud and obnoxious. It then takes me a full minute to realize it’s my dog howling. Ah, for crap’s sake! “Shut up!”

2:14 am– Mom’s up. The dog hasn’t shut up and Mom’s furious. She storms out of her room, sheets following from their haphazard grip on her jim-jams. “I’m gonna kill her!” she roars. There’s a crash shortly after and we’ve lost another lamp. Then the back door opens, the dog’s out, and Mom’s swearing.

Just a typical night.

2:36 am – The dog wants in, and she’s letting everyone know. I’m up before Mom is, as we can’t afford any more lamps. Once the dog’s in, I shut the door. But then I open it. And shut it again. Then I open it. My dog goes to Mom’s room – she thinks I’m nuts. But I’m not. Or maybe I am. Because it sounded like someone was mowing their lawn. What the hell?

2:42 am – I finally go outside. It’s dark, it’s cold, and full of nighttime noises – such as lawn mowing. I follow the noise, like a typical idiot in a horror flick. I did, however, grab the hose Mom left out earlier. I’ll just spray whatever it is, so hopefully it’s a alien from Signs. They’re allergic to water, you know.

Turns out, it’s my neighbor. Shame, I love to fight aliens. Probably the closest I’ll ever get to Doctor Who(unless I start stalking David Tennant). Surprisingly, my neighbor (a middle-aged fat man, who looked rather like a carrot with legs) waves and smiles at me (as if this was a common occurrence). I stare in response.

2:48 am – He stops the lawn mower and meanders over to the fence. “Yo, you awake?” Maybe I should spray him with the hose. I nod instead. “Good, good. Shame I’m not a rabbit, eh?” I nod again. “You sure you awake?”

“It’s almost 3,” I say instead. “And you’re mowing.” He shrugs and murmurs about keeping the grass short. I swallow. You know that movie, Disturbia? It has Shia LeBouf and that man (I can never remember his name) who was in The Rock with Sean Connery and was in House, M.D.as Tritter (3rd season). Anyway, the murderer in the movie mowed his grass everyday – so not to ruin is underground graveyard foundation. Well crap.

“You know you sleep walk out here all the time, right?” I knew I slept walk, I didn’t know I left the house. My jim-jams are suddenly hot and sticky on body. “Do you remember what you see?” I swallow. I shake my head. He looks … relieved. “Good, good – well, back inside with you. Bare feet, you’ll catch your death.”

I tighten my hold on the hose. “Sure. Say ‘hey’ to the misses for me.’

“Ah, I would but she’s gone. Dead, you know. Last week.” I can’t help it, my eyes flicker to the large and full tarp spread out in his backyard’s corner. That appeared a week ago.

“Oh, sorry. Really.” He shrugs and says something about her being a ‘nag.’ Oh god, he murdered his wife. “Well, goodnight.”

3:11 am – I can’t sleep. My jim-jams are still hot and stuffy and sticky. My head hurts too. I’m overacting, I know. He couldn’t have murdered his wife. Well, he could’ve, but still, I was assuming. But I was also sleep walk, at night and outside, near him. A murderer – wait, no. Not a murderer. Just a strange neighbor who mows at night.

I’m overacting. I need to sleep.

4:48 am – The dog’s howling again. I’m up in a flash. She only howls when she sees someone. We back up to a alleyway, so we never worry. But I do now. Seeing how my neighbor was creepy. I shush her but she doesn’t stop. She’s not that cool of a dog. So I push her back and slip outside by myself. Yeah, hello first idiotic victim of the horror slasher flick.

But I find something curious for all my stupidity. My neighbor has opened the back gates of his fence, which he couldn’t do with the grass being too high. Uh-oh. And he’s backed up his truck into the backyard. And he’s loading up the tarp, which has fallen around the hidden object – is that the shape of a body or just me? 

I watch, expecting an arm or leg to flop out. Nothing does. But clearly the object was heavy, judging from his labored breathing. And his wife had been pretty heavy – she’d looked rather like a peach in a too tight corset.

“Yo, dude, you up again?” Shit, he’s seen me. And I didn’t have my hose. I merely nod. “Your dog, right? ‘Eard her out here. You ought to nuzzle her at night.” I nod again. “Well, what’s up?”

Did you murder your wife? “Nuttin’, everything OK?” He smiles and nods. He says he doesn’t need help and I need to go back to bed. He literally flaps his hands, shooing me away. That’s cool, he clearly doesn’t want to kill me. I’m OK with that.

“Night.” We say in near unison.

6:46 am – I wake up in the kitchen, sprawled rather unbecomingly. Mom’s standing over me, frowning. “You’re sleep walking again.” No, I just like sleeping on cold tile floor. “I’ll have to gate the back door and front door then.” Yeah, because I’m just another dog. “Go to bed.” Why does everyone send me to bed like I’m 3 again?

“Yeah, right – hey, the neighbor’s wife – you know she died?” Mom nods, looking tired and mildly nuts (she takes a shitload of medicine at night for her M.S. and Lupus, so she’s never really sane to begin with). “How’d she died?”

“Dunno, a blow to the head or something. I think she fell in the shower.” Yeah, because that happens everyday.

Crap, my neighbor’s a murderer! I retire to bed, but I can’t sleep. If my neighbor’s a murderer, do I say something? I mean, he’ll probably just kill me but he was so nice to not do so earlier. Uggh, I just don’t know!

Whatever, Mom will put up the gates tomorrow and hopefully that’ll keep me away. If his wife comes back dressed like a rabbit though, I’m calling the police. I don’t want to mess with any jets or whatever Donnie deals with.





To be “Sued”

11 12 2008

Being “Sued” isn’t a pleasant thing.

In fact, you most likely haven’t been “Sued” until you’ve ventured into the mysterious and possibly dangerous world of self-published books/short stories. In this world, there are no editors or agents or publishing companies – just the author and the reader.

Such stories are found on the Internet, on sites such as fictionpress or fanfiction (where people write stories for already established book settings and characters). And these sites, while having many unacknowledged good stories, also have the dreaded Mary Sue (or Gary Stu, if the character is male) character.

Who is Mary Sue?

Well, Mary Sue is the perfect character. Either for the author, the reader, or both. She can do no wrong. She sings, writes, draws, fights, and cries beautifully. She may have been horribly traumatized, but she came through without a scratch (mentally or physically). She may have even been born of the very evil that threatens the world, but no worries, she’s no issues of killing said evil (even if its her father). Or maybe she’s the author, who strives to live an adventurous and romantically perfect life.

This is the Mary Sue. Trust me, when you meet her, you’ll know – yes, indeed, you’ll know you’ve been “Sued”.

Below I’ve included excerpts from an ironically humorous poem depicting Mary Sue. These pieces belong to the ever amazing Irony-Chan, who wishes to remain mysterious. (You can, of course, Google her LiveJournal if you want).

A Mary Sue Alphabet:

A‘s for Amanda
Our hero’s twin sister
Got lost as a baby
And gosh, how he missed her
He always suspected
He had a half lacking
He set off to find her
By magical tracking
So now they’re together
And smiling a lot
Too bad that the story’s
Got no trace of plot

B is for Bridget
Who’s named for the author
She could have been subtle
But just didn’t bother
Yet somehow I doubt
That the writer’s a d-cup
Or sings like an angel
With nary a hiccup
Or doesn’t need glasses
Or looks like a hottie
Or ever will earn
Her black belt in karate

-:-

G is for Georgia
Likes watching TV
Replaying the movie
Upon DVD
‘Til one day by magic
The screen opened wide
Before Georgia knew it
It sucked her inside!
Now she’ll save the hero
By hook or by crook
She knows all the future
‘Cause she’s read the book

-:-

L for Lorraina
The heir to three thrones
She dresses in ballgowns
And wears precious stones
But deep in her heart
She’s so royally lonely
She longs for a prince
To love her and her only
She wants to be treated
Like all other girls
Perhaps if she’d dump
The tiara and pearls

M is for Madysonne
Fresh from the states!
Like totally awesome
This chica, she rates!
She brought with her all of
Her favourite CD’s
And might let you listen
If you just say please
She’s spreading the music
As far as she can
And somehow I’m guessing
The author’s a fan

-:-

O for Ophelia
The evil guy’s daughter
Her life is so awful
Her tears flow like water
Her husband’s been chosen
By father and mother
But her heart already
Belongs to another
Oh woe! And oh angst!
Yeah, it’s piled on thick
And most of the readers
Are gonna be sick

P is for Paris
Just swimming in prose!
Her lips weren’t pink only
They bloomed like a rose!
Like wheat in the sunshine
The gold of her hair
Her eyes, how they sparkled
As clear as the air!
Her skin was as white
As the robe of a saint
And it’s that lack of iron
Keeps making her faint

-:-

W stands for
One Wendover Sable
She started off Sue-some
Right out of the cradle
The poor foundling baby
Was given a home
By snobby, rich wizards
Brought her up like their own
And should any point out
That this ain’t realistic
Just watch as the author
Goes fully ballistic

So in case you’ve been “Sued,” you know what to expect. Be wise and be careful, for being “Sued” is pleasant. 





Meet the Doctor

29 11 2008

Who exactly is the Doctor from Doctor Who?  He’s a Time Lord, he travels in a blue box (that’s bigger on the inside) called the TARDIS, he’s old and currently the last of his kind, and he runs – a lot. But is that all the Doctor is?

Meeting the Doctor, while wonderful and exciting, is also overwhelming and confusing. He carries so many burdens, so many ‘secrets’ – little insights to his character he forgets that you don’t know – and so many stories that he’s a world of his own. Meeting him is like beginning school all other again, from kindergarden up. And its fun and exciting, not to mention possibly dangerous.  

So, let’s introduce the Doctor. The video below, made by Seduff, introduces the Doctor as he’s been and what’s he’s become. It especially focuses on the latest Doctors (Nine and Ten – remember, he can ‘regenerate’ 13 times – or, better yet, die 13 times and only “change his face”) and it focuses on how he changes the lives of those meets.

Meet the Doctor  –